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Seven Signals For Relationships
Problems and Their Solutions
In the best of intimate relationships, there are those subtle and not so subtle waves of difficulties. Some disagreements make sense; his words against hers, her values in the face of his values, old traditions vs. new ideas and so on.
However, over few years living with a partner, attempting and working on intimacy, you could see few patterns emerging. Those patterns might be complicated for you to detect when you are a part of the 'drama'.
For me, after thirty three years of practicing marriage-therapy and relationship-coaching, I find the troubles in relationships simple to detect. But detection of a difficulty makes less than half of the solution for that problem.
Solving relationships' problems take commitment, education and good will. Most of all, it takes understanding the meanings, and symbolic meanings of these difficulties. From here the solutions are pretty much straightforward.
Some of the following patterns are signs of troubled relationships. Here is the list of the seven most damaging intimate relationships' troubles and their partial solutions:
Trouble Signal: Inability to be emotionally open.
Partial Solution: the uniqueness and secret of intimate relationships in comparison to other relationships, such as with family members, social and workplace, is in staying emotionally open. By exercising daily confiding with each other, couples learn to become emotionally open towards each other.
2. Trouble Signal: Lack of physical closeness and signs of affection may starve the love.
Partial Solution: It is not easy to undo the pain, shame and hurts of the past. Learn to be affectionate. Do it for the sake of this relationship.
3. Trouble Signal: Not paying attention while listening.
Partial Solution: you might be listening to each other, even giving the right cues as in 'active listening'. But do you get the meaning of each other's message without the attempt to 'solve' the problem? Don't solve each others' problems. Share the gift of listening. Being heard is a treasure!
4. Trouble Signal: Difficulty articulating what you feel.
Partial Solution: many adults don't know to express what they feel. Instead, you communicate what you think. Learning about your emotions and their logic is valuable to every intimate relationship. Taking a risk to expose your accurate feelings in your relationship is a wise investment. As the relationship grows and thrives, that risk of exposure becomes safe.
5. Trouble Signal: Anger, fear, shame and other pains block the passages to feel tenderness, joy and love.
Partial Solution: Those painful emotions are not bad; they are information that should be shared so that your love will surface again.
6. Trouble Signal: Power struggles on sex, money, children, free time, relatives or friends are all signs of other issues surfacing in the relationships.
Partial Solution: Learn to decode these symptoms and see the meaning beneath the issues.
7. Trouble Signal: Contempt and its expressions are the 'deadliest sin' of all troubled relationships.
Partial Solution: This will take a bit longer to solve; I
suggest treating this symptom with a deeper treatment as in a
'root canal'. Find the roots of those feelings of contempt or
they'll destroy your intimate relationship.
I find it challenging to get an intimate relationship out of trouble. The effort is worth it; as your intimate relationship is the most important investment of your time energy and endeavor.
© Copyright 2000 Dr. Nili Sachs
